November 19, 2009

Things My Dad Says

Do you know this twitter account?

My dad is not nearly as profane as this person's dad. Do you think those tweets are real? I have my doubts.

My dad:

He's extra classy. I believe they (my dad and brothers) called me when they went to buy these rain slickers so they could go fishing. I said, "please get anything except camo. Camo is tacky."

They bought camouflage. You see how much they care about what I have to say? Or perhaps it was just to spite me. When I see people in camo, I generally say intelligent things like, "I'm sorry, I'm hearing your voice, but I can't see you. Where are you again? Why can't I see you?"

I'm just an opinionated person.

Anyways, my dad called me recently to tell me happy birthday. And here's our conversation:

Dad: Hey, Aim it's about time you called me back! [Rarely "Amy" I usually am called "Aim" "Amers" or "Amy Liz" by my family.]
Amy: Hi, Dad! I tried to call you back earlier, but you didn't answer.
Dad: Oh, I don't know why that was.
Amy: [thinking] Perhaps because it's a Sunday and you forgot to turn your volume back up after church?
Amy: What's going on?
Dad: Nothing. How was your birthday?
Amy: It was good! We had friends over and we ate some food and played Catch Phrase.
Dad: You're 27 now.
Amy: Yes, yes I am.
Dad: Don't forget you promised me grandchildren by the time you're 30.

Don't forget your promised me grandchildren by the time you're thirty.

Yes, my father said this to me.

You see, I have always said that I'm going to have children. And I have a strong desire to have them when I'm young. Mostly because my parents had my brothers and me when they were in their mid-20s and I've really appreciated having close relationships with my parents and grandparents. I want my children to have the same thing. Not that I couldn't be a good mother if I were older, but grandparents can only get so old if you know what I mean.

However as a perpetually single woman, it looks like I will be having those children on my own. Anybody else have a father who would encourage this? I think my dad encourages it because: 1. He wants grandchildren to dote upon, 2. He knows I would move closer to my them if I had children (it takes a village, people, I have no disillusions about that.) and 3. He loves to hold a sleeping baby.

Quirky things about my father:
-He takes baths every day.
-He likes to sleep on the floor in a nest of pillows and blankets.
-He plays the electric guitar (and the acoustic one, but the electric is more fun since it has an amp).
-He plays badminton as frequently as possible.
-He plays intramural sports with college students.
-He thinks he's still 30 and is surprised when his body isn't holding up to the activities he's putting it through.
-He buys calves for $10-$70 and attempts to nurse them back to health. About 50% die.
-He loves cream cheese icing.
-He calls me a "pesky-tarian" every time I go home. I'm a pescatarian.
-After my brothers and I went to college he started to integrate profanity back into his vocabulary. My mom still acts like she gets annoyed at him when he curses.

I wouldn't want my children to miss out on this:

See? No child should miss out on his/her grandfather acting like a hobo.

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