Things My Dad Says

Do you know this twitter account?

My dad is not nearly as profane as this person's dad. Do you think those tweets are real? I have my doubts.

My dad:

He's extra classy. I believe they (my dad and brothers) called me when they went to buy these rain slickers so they could go fishing. I said, "please get anything except camo. Camo is tacky."

They bought camouflage. You see how much they care about what I have to say? Or perhaps it was just to spite me. When I see people in camo, I generally say intelligent things like, "I'm sorry, I'm hearing your voice, but I can't see you. Where are you again? Why can't I see you?"

I'm just an opinionated person.

Anyways, my dad called me recently to tell me happy birthday. And here's our conversation:

Dad: Hey, Aim it's about time you called me back! [Rarely "Amy" I usually am called "Aim" "Amers" or "Amy Liz" by my family.]
Amy: Hi, Dad! I tried to call you back earlier, but you didn't answer.
Dad: Oh, I don't know why that was.
Amy: [thinking] Perhaps because it's a Sunday and you forgot to turn your volume back up after church?
Amy: What's going on?
Dad: Nothing. How was your birthday?
Amy: It was good! We had friends over and we ate some food and played Catch Phrase.
Dad: You're 27 now.
Amy: Yes, yes I am.
Dad: Don't forget you promised me grandchildren by the time you're 30.

Don't forget your promised me grandchildren by the time you're thirty.

Yes, my father said this to me.

You see, I have always said that I'm going to have children. And I have a strong desire to have them when I'm young. Mostly because my parents had my brothers and me when they were in their mid-20s and I've really appreciated having close relationships with my parents and grandparents. I want my children to have the same thing. Not that I couldn't be a good mother if I were older, but grandparents can only get so old if you know what I mean.

However as a perpetually single woman, it looks like I will be having those children on my own. Anybody else have a father who would encourage this? I think my dad encourages it because: 1. He wants grandchildren to dote upon, 2. He knows I would move closer to my them if I had children (it takes a village, people, I have no disillusions about that.) and 3. He loves to hold a sleeping baby.

Quirky things about my father:
-He takes baths every day.
-He likes to sleep on the floor in a nest of pillows and blankets.
-He plays the electric guitar (and the acoustic one, but the electric is more fun since it has an amp).
-He plays badminton as frequently as possible.
-He plays intramural sports with college students.
-He thinks he's still 30 and is surprised when his body isn't holding up to the activities he's putting it through.
-He buys calves for $10-$70 and attempts to nurse them back to health. About 50% die.
-He loves cream cheese icing.
-He calls me a "pesky-tarian" every time I go home. I'm a pescatarian.
-After my brothers and I went to college he started to integrate profanity back into his vocabulary. My mom still acts like she gets annoyed at him when he curses.

I wouldn't want my children to miss out on this:


See? No child should miss out on his/her grandfather acting like a hobo.