December 9, 2009


I have guilt issues.

No, I don't know where they come from.

And, no, I'm not going to blame my parents.

Nature vs. nurture and all that jazz.


I don't care enough to really analyze it, I just know that sometimes I feel these emotions that make me feel guilty. Perhaps it's because I'm getting stuck in my head more than anything? It's not like I'm feeling negative effects elsewhere in my life or anything. It's just that thing where sometimes in the pit of my abdomen something's not right.

You know?

So, last Sunday, I'm sitting in church listening to Roger preach and he starts telling a story about his father and his tomato plants. He would pick the green tomatoes before the first frost and set them out to patiently wait for them to ripen. Really, a nice analogy for God's patience with us as individuals, society, a group, a congregation.

Anyways, he's telling this story and the knot in my stomach begins to ache. Seriously, what is going on?
It's guilt.
  • Guilt because I don't spend enough time with people I love.
  • Guilt for living 1,243.97 miles from my mother and father.
  • Guilt because my grandparents are mortal beings whom I don't talk to enough and I don't know what my life would feel like without them in it.
  • Guilt for not talking on the phone enough. Or sending cards. Or emails.
See? I'm a guilty feeling kind of person.

It's not exactly rational. Is my knowledge of my irrationality beneficial or just another obstruction?

So, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I want to be. I love Durham. Seriously. LOVE. It's like this city was created for me.

Can I move it to somewhere in the mid-west? Just a touch closer? Like, driving distance. (Driving distance=15 hours or less)

Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm leaving in 6 days and 15 hours!


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