July 9, 2011

Not Lost

So, why exactly am I in Tennessee? You know what I'm doing. You know who I'm doing it with. You know that I'm learning lots, but why am I here?

Well, I felt called.

Yes, called. Like by GOD. I could have said, "no." I could have said, "later." I could have said, "I don't think so." I could have said lots of things.
I chose to say, "Yes, use me."

I don't really know why I ended up in Ashland City, TN, but I did. It's part of my path. I'm at peace. I feel more content and right-ness than I've felt in a long time. I'm exactly where I should be right now.

It has recently occurred to me that people think I'm on some quest to "find myself."

I mean, I am. But aren't we all? Do we ever really know ourselves? If we think we do, doesn't that become stagnant and we're back on the search? We're forever morphing and changing and learning and growing and regressing, so when aren't we finding ourselves?

Although, I do believe that at times the search is far bigger than other times.

So in a similar vein to I'm not broken, I'm not lost.

**I'm fixin' to go into some hippie-massage therapist talk, just a warning.**
My current somatic experience [The connection of what I intellectually think and feel and what I physically feel. Example: You know when you have deadlines and lots to do and your shoulders or neck become really sore and you have a constant headache? Part of that is probably physically the way you're trying to get the work done (sitting at your computer with bad posture) and part is your somatic experience of stress manifesting itself into your shoulders/neck.], as I was saying, my somatic experience is really calm. I like it that way. I feel minimal anxiety...I call it anticipation. I feel minimal fear...I call it excitement. I feel minimal stress...I call it motivation.

All in all, I feel good. Happy. Content. Peaceful.

I know my path is not-traditional in any way, shape or form. However, non-traditional does not mean wrong. It doesn't look like I predicted it would either, but that's ok. The expectations I created for myself: go to college, get married, get a job, work for the next 40ish years at that job, have babies [during those 40 years not after], retire; those expectations didn't include the fact that many of those variables would be out of my control. What if I didn't meet the person who I was supposed to marry? What if I didn't chose a vocation that would last 40 years? What if I was supposed to move around? What if I wanted to try lots of things? What if I wasn't meant to have babies for awhile, if ever?

My timing is unpredictable. God's timing? It's perfect.
I'm trusting that.

1 comment :

  1. So, so happy that you are happy and content. Love you bunches and I have no doubt that the plans that God has for your life will lead you to incredible places because you are an incredible person!