24-Hours on Tinder

I was on Tinder for 24-hours.

I hate online dating. I’ve said it a bajillion, million [ok, maybe a few dozen] times. You’re probably squinting and saying, “But, why do you hate it so vehemently, amy? and why would you get on at all?”
OK, you probably weren’t squinting. I was squinting, but it was only because my glasses had fingerprints on them.

Internet dating is this world of pictures and autobiographies and chat boxes: Please describe yourself in 500 characters or less. Answer these questions, we’ll give you two options and you need to choose one [of course the question will be ambiguous and neither answer actually applies to you] and then we’ll find you a match based on the question that wasn't applicable to you. So-in-so looked at your profile and gave you the thumbs up, want to chat with him/her? Swipe to the right to like,p swipe to the left to reject; if you both swipe each other to the right then it's a GREEN HEART! Basically the whole human element is gone - the eye contact, the spontaneous laughter, the nervous excitement.

The number one reason I hate online dating is because I hate the person that comes out in me. All of my ugliest flaws rise right to the surface and I’m a person I try really hard not to be.

Judgy.

It’s one thing to joke around and say “I’m judging you so hard for going to that Miley Cyrus concert.” or “Those Danskos are totally a victim of my judgement.” [hideous yet the most comfortable shoes ever] or even “Let me meet and judge him to see if he’s worthy of your love.” [I gave myself this job in college for all the boys my friends dated, but unless there were major red flags I wasn't going to say anything. I loved that my friends were in love.]

This isn't the kind of judgy where I've interacted and decide that that human being is a jerk...because he was a jerk. No, this is judging solely on appearance. I can read the words you wrote, but really I'm judging your pictures, just like you're judging mine.

Ugh.

OK, I lied. I judge the grammar and sentence structure and quantity of selfies [do you have friends?!] all in a neat little package I like to call, You Have Been Weighed and Measured and Found Lacking by Amy. Not that I wouldn't judge those things in real life, but I would give someone a few minutes of my time and the possibility of winning me over before my harsh superficial judgement. At least I'd like to think that I would.

All that to say, I'm judgmental it's not my favorite quality about myself.

Then there's the chatting.

OH.MY.LANTA...the chatting. I am equal parts entertained and appalled.

Male: What's up cutie?
Me: *no reply* [I refuse to reply to people who don't even say hi...and terms of endearment? Ick. That wasn't going to work out in any way, shape, or form.]

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Random Male: Hello!
Me: Hi!
Random Male: How was your day?
Me: Not too bad, just the usual school and studying. How was yours? [I usually try to ask something related to his profile rather than just echoing the question.]
Random Male: Nice. I just had work today.
Me: What do you do for work?
Random Male: So, want to see my penis?
Me: *blocked* [Really? Do you think it's that special? Trust me I've seen A LOT of penises (catheter assessments) and none of them have been pretty enough to show a stranger. Ew.]

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Random Man: My name's not Spencer, but Stephen is pretty close. [I had this thing on my profile that said that I took a Buzzfeed Quiz telling me my future life partner's name would be Spencer. *destiny*]
Me: Haha, it is, you've got the "S" and "e"s in common. [looks at his profile.]
Me: What are you in school for?
Stephen: I'm studying _______.
Me: What influenced you to study _______?
Stephen: answers
Me: question
Stephen: answer
Me: question
Stephen: answer
This goes on for awhile.
Me: [thinking --REALLY, Stephen? Do you want to learn anything about me at all? I just got distracted by PBS.org watching A Chef's Life. Conversation over.]

WHYYYYYY???? Is conversation supposed to be this painful? This difficult? Where are the normal people? 

I hate why I get online and sign up in the first place--it's because I want attention.

I am an attention whore.

Like me! Talk to me! Tell me I'm pretty!

I want men to pay attention to me, and I want to punch myself in the face for wanting that. I'm a feminist! I don't need a man! I'm fiercely independent! I am satisfied with my life! Still...some part of me wants that dang attention. 

The thing I LOVE about Tinder? 

Find a friend who is also on Tinder...screen-shot each other the extra-special people who are on there. It's hilariously entertaining. Friend bonding over the ridiculous people of the internet.

I'm a judgy, attention-seeking weirdo who laughs at the expense of others.
How do I even have friends? 

Judge me. I most certainly am.

**full confession: I was on Tinder for 24-hours the SECOND time. The first time I made it two whole weeks.**