October 31, 2012

to do or not to do


[sak-ruh-fahys] noun, verb, sac·ri·ficed, sac·ri·fic·ing.
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.

The surrender of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

I'm not going to lie: I want it all.
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I want school to come easily, to not worry about rent and bills and money during, to live well while balancing work and school and life.

I want to be a perfect catch: fun, flirty, opinionated, interesting, sweet, saucy, gentle, kind, loving. I want to be desirable to the opposite sex...or what I perceive to be desirable.
I want a husband, babies, a roof over my head, my home decorated with the perfect eclectic mix of vintage and IKEA, children who crave time spent together, delicious homemade meals served in quirky dishes as our family gathers to eat.
I want deep conversations, the ability to hear the truth and accept it, intense belly-laughs until the tears come and my abdominal muscles ache, vulnerability, understanding of what our friendship is [neither person being more or less invested than the other], clarity of when to push and when to pull back.
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I want unwavering faith that God has me, will have me, and has had me through it all. I want to love like Jesus and seek out those who are different from me, to love God's people, to invest my time and heart in them, to not think about myself before others.

I want a job that aligns with my vocation that pays well and allows me a blend of work and vacation and benefits and time with my kids and time to be creative and time to be concrete.
I want pervasive happiness that comes with faith and the ability to know-to know-that riding out the shadows is possible.

But, I can't have it all.

When I strive for it all, I fall short which makes me feel like a failure. When I try to do it all, I don't sleep which makes me unpleasant. When I forget what my priorities are I begin to wander aimlessly which makes me a leaf blowing in the wind. Striving? Failure? Unpleasant? Aimless wandering?
Not where I want to be.

My higher goals right now are to be a good student, to love my friends and family well, to love myself well. I've been lacking because I've spread myself too thin.

So what's my sacrifice? Is it a short-term sacrifice or a long-term sacrifice?

Where do I let this event pass me by? When do I say "no"? How do I take time from this for that? Why did I choose x over z? What decision is right for me? What decision works toward my goals? What decision is good for others? What decision will keep me from getting stuck?
Right now, I'm struggling with making those choices. I've decided I'm going to try letting my "no" mean "no" and my "yes" mean "yes."

"No, I can't make that trip."
"No, I'm not staying late at work for that person's massage."
"No, I'm not going to stress about dating/being single/pressuring myself to be online."
"No, I need to study and not socialize."
"No, I can't take pictures."

"Yes, I am going to get up on a Sunday morning to go to church."
"Yes, I am going to spend an entire day watching movies, eating soup, baking brownies, and any left over time will be spent in the bathtub." *perfect day*
"Yes, I would love to do dinner."

Time for some big-girl panties.

love you people.

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