December 16, 2012

oh, my heart

It has been sad.

Sad to leave Fort Wayne. Sad to leave my job, my friends, my family. Sad to leave Hank. Sad to pack up my adorable little apartment. Sad for the relationships that are just beginning without time to grow.

Happy to pursue my calling. Happy to be near old friends. Happy to have family to live with. Happy to be able to be in school.

The happy and the sad are fighting and I don't much care for the tug from both directions. My emotional balance is off...all.the.time.

Therefore, I feel manic and depressed hour by hour without being diagnosably either. A hot mess if you'd like my personal self-diagnosis. If they've got Hot Mess in the DSM-V, let me know.

Hot Mess Amy is being her hot mess self, then on Friday there was a school shooting in Connecticut. My heart plummeted. I physically ache for this community.

I hate it.

I hate violence. I hate that children died. I hate that teachers died. I hate that other children, teachers, and school personnel had to bear witness. I hate that for some reason this young man was in a state where evil and darkness took over his mind. I hate that people live in fear.

I hate that it makes me question and doubt and question where God is in it.

My heart was not made to hate.

I started seeing this quote around facebook and it reminded me.

Go see the free printable available at

Love can outshine the hate. Love is what makes teachers choose to go to their classroom and care about their children. Love is what makes strangers give their time and talent to help. Love is what will heal our wounds. Love is where we can seek peace when nothing else seems possible. Love will remind us that we aren't alone. Love will trudge beside us when we can barely lift our feet.

We sang Love Came Down at Christmas this morning at church. I couldn't sing it. It's so true and painful. Painful in how hard it can be to see love in this. We're in a holiday season where Love is Coming Down. A yearly holiday when I'm reminded that Christ is born, Christ is Love, Christ is my past, present, and future.

My reminder that Love will win.
Love always wins.

love you people.

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