May 28, 2011


So, Amy, what the heck are you doing? And where are you doing it?

Let me take you back....
I decided I wanted to move to Indiana. I had an interview for a job. I didn't get that job, but I still wanted to move, so I made a plan. That plan: GRAD SCHOOL.
[I feel that I should tell you, this is approximately the 8th time since I graduated from college that I decided that I should go to grad school. I've started several applications. I've never finished one.]

I found a program at a state school I was slightly interested in. I sent off for information. I received information.

I was talking to my dad and mom about the program. I wanted to live in the Fort. It was a counseling program. Parents advised me to make sure the program was accredited.

Reason number 7,851 that parents are brilliant: checking out a program's accreditation.

Found a new program at a small, private, liberal arts school not in the Fort. I love liberal arts education. I love small schools. I love the relationships formed at small schools. Program sounds amazeballs and right up my alley.

Jan. 14th: Sent in the initial general application information. Received notification that entire application was due February 1. Freaked out.

Sent in application. This was actually around January 28th. Yeah, I'm responsible. And I completed my first ever grad school application. BAM!

Spoke with person from the institution. They wanted to do an interview, so I hopped in my car [after putting in a load of my stuff] and visited and interviewed. They liked me.

As I got into my car after the interview and tour, I sat down with a pit in my stomach. I just wasn't feeling it. BUT, this was the PERFECT program! There were great opportunities! I SHOULD want it! My mind says "YES!" My heart says "NO!"

I let intellect win.

I took another load of stuff to Indiana. I have a lot of stuff. I drove around the town with Rach McF. We were only allowed to say nice things because it was....depressing. Just a sad town, the kind where industry has left and people haven't quite figured out how to "make it" in new ways. To figure out the businesses and professions and industries that generate a culture of pride in a town. They did have two places that excited me: 1. The Unorganized Bookstore; 2. Caramel McNutt's Donuts. [You'd be excited about Caramel McNutt's, too.]

That trip was also just another reminder of how much I love Durham. Love, love, love. Then I cried.

I'm not used to being stressed. It's been a few years.
STRESS: Graduation.
STRESS: Wrapping up work.
STRESS: Packing.
STRESS: Saying goodbye.
STRESS: Finding out I didn't get any graduate assistantships I wanted.

The last one was a little...unexpected.
My response was frustrated, angry, sad, but mostly [and this is the whole truth and nothing but the truth] my feelings were bruised. [This is going to sound arrogant and cocky, I know.] Um, do you know me? People love me; to know me is to love me [catchphrase stolen from Vv]. I'm the person people want around. People seek me out. AND YOU DON'T WANT ME?!?!?!!? Then I became rational again. The person choosing his GA had never actually met me. He apparently didn't think I would be a good fit. Which probably means that I wouldn't be a good fit.

Then I chose to follow that feeling I had back in March that said: THIS IS WRONG, AMY. It was a bold statement before and I denied it. I think I'm done with the denial.

I am still slightly emotionally unstable, but that's getting better too.

Now, I live in Indiana and I'm a nomad. I kinda feel like I'm back where I was in May 2005 when I had just graduated from college. Except now, I've worked a bit. Learned a bit. Grown up a bit.

And, I might go be a volunteer for the summer. I want to rock someone's socks off. Or maybe I need my socks rocked off.

Hi, God? It's me, Amy.
Thanks for the grad school step in. Now what?

The big question:
What should I do with the next year of my life? 
All answers will be considered. The following year 
will probably result in a return to academia [where? no clue].  

Thanks for sticking around even though I haven't blogged much. You're the best. 


  1. 'Here's the big question:
    What should I do with the next year of my life?'

    You got that right, girlfriend. That IS the big question, but sadly your loyal followers can't answer it for you either. I will say though to not focus on what you(or others) think you should do, but choose something that will consistently fulfill you. Don't freak out over this cross-roads moment of your life: KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, Ms. To-Know-Me-Is-To-Love-Me (that was totally my line, B T DUBBS). :)

  2. @anonymous v: TRUTH. You're right. You're right. You're right.

    I'll give you credit for your awesome line too. Imitation is the finest form of flattery? (-:

  3. I am sad you won't be closer but I understand and I am still super excited you are in Indiana. Love

  4. Whoa! Big Change of Plans! I think you should: "Live with Intent." :)


  5. @Jessica: Who knows?!?! We will still get to see each other A LOT more!!!!!!

  6. @Lee: YES! YES! YES! I just thought about that during my drive. Live with intent-->every day-->powerful

  7. Ya know, Bethany Theological Seminary is a pretty rockin' place these days and I hear there are some cool people there right now. Also, it's in Indiana. Just sayin' ;) Keeping you in my thoughts, friend!

  8. @Bekah: hmmm....very tempting. I will give it some thought. ( :