well, it happened

As soon as it started I knew I was in for something crazy. Dangerous. Exciting. Difficult. Thought provoking. Fun. Meaningful. Life changing.

My capstone [think of it like student teaching for nurses] experience has been all of that. The first few weeks I stood firmly at my "I'm here because it was my second choice and my fist choice [L&D] wasn't available to me" podium. I'll just keep my thoughts on enjoying my emergency department time to myself thankyouverymuch.

Then I started talking about my obsession with Larry. And the amount of time I spend on Figure 1. And writing notes on conditions and expectations. And looking up treatments so I would know what to anticipate. And asking doctors questions. 

One night my preceptor [she'd be like my supervising teacher, let's call her E] looked at me around 2am, "Are you sure you want to do OB? I just think you'll be bored. You're interested in so many things." 

"Well...ummm...I can't have this conversation right now." 

Obviously, I'm very mature.

Then her statement festered and bubbled in my head for a week. I talked it out with two of my closest nursing loves. They literally looked at each other and then at me and said, "Duh. You light up when you talk about the ED." Well, crap.

You guys: I STINKING LOVE THIS. 

I tried really hard not to, but I do. 

Beyond just being an adrenaline rush [because let's be honest, I definitely like that part too], some of my favorite moments are taking care of patients who trust your opinion [even when you say, "let me check and get back to you"], talking with physicians who want to know what you think, and working with passionate nurses who support each other. I love getting to learn about so many different conditions. I love seeing this huge spectrum of patients with things ranging from a cough to multiple life-threatening conditions and getting to be a part of healing those people. I love the population that my site serves. I love that my mind is on fire with all the things I'm learning. 

This is totally biting me in the ass from when during my critical care class I said, "This is interesting, but it's not what I'm going to do!" 

When E and I finally sat down after a crazy evening with a plethora of patients, we talked about it. I most definitely didn't initiate this because I was totally scared of this conversation and wanted to pretend like it didn't need to happen. Denial, friends. E says I wouldn't have struggled with her confrontation if I hadn't already been thinking about it [so true]. I also walked away at least twice during this conversation. Shall I remind you of my maturity? I feel so naked and vulnerable.

Dangit. Why did I get a preceptor who was a) so intuitive and b) willing to call me out on my bullshit?  

Most people wouldn't have said anything. They would have had the usual conversation with me where I say, "These are my goals. This is why I'm in nursing school. This is my life plan." NO ONE HAS QUESTIONED IT, I think because it does seem fitting for me, but what if this is better? What if I do this for awhile and then I do the other? What if I never do the other and I'm supposed to just do this?

This is some scary business for me. What do I want now? What should I want to do with my nursing career? I'm done with school in 30 days. THIRTY DAYS.

*heart palpitations* 

*sweating* 

*deep breaths*

My comfort is that I know that nursing is where I'm supposed to be. If you were privy to deeper conversations with me over the past 10-12 years [YEARS] you know that talking about my future and what I was meant do with my life was a HUGE struggle. You saw the tears. You saw the searching. You saw the desire to do something meaningful, but not knowing what that meant.

So...that's where I am right now. Excited. Scared. Anxious. Sleepless.

Hopeful.