February 13, 2011

Not Broken

True story, I just had this conversation.

Me: I need someone to have a crush on!
Megan: You can have one of mine.
Me: One of your under-age basketball players?
Megan: They're not under-age.
[End scene.]

Do you know how long it has been since a "woe-is-me, I'm so single, blah blah blah" post? Let me check....October 19th. Yes, that is a long time.

Guess what? Nothing has changed.

I'm trying to keep it interesting around here, but the truth is, I'm lame. However, in the midst of my lameness, I came to a realization today.

I am not broken. 

OK, maybe I am broken in other ways, but is my singleness one of them? As we learned about "wholeness" vs. "brokenness" this morning at church, I realized that I was making myself broken. Yes, I might have had a few moments of not listening to the sermon at church while I was inside my head. It dawned upon me: I view myself as being inept. Incompetent. Slow. Delayed. Abnormal. Outcast. Unimportant. Rejected. Defective. For some reason, in my mind I have built this reality where a successful, important, stable life revolves being in a relationship. The lack of relationship in my life is negative.

News flash, Amy: This is not real. This is all in your mind.

I am better than accepting these perceptions as my truth. My story is bigger than whether I'm single or not. Whether I'm having sex or not. Whether I'm dating or not. Whether I'm engaged or not. Whether I'm married or not.

My time of becoming is now, I have the opportunity to discover, build, try, serve and experience almost anything I want right now, all by myself. It's not because there's something wrong with me, it's because that's the way it's supposed to be right now. Someday, that may change. I could make that decision for myself and jump into the pants of the next guy who walks by my table at the coffee shop or I could sit back and say hi and let things progress at the right pace. I'm going with the latter, I'm not really the kind of girl for the former. See, I believe that there is a man out there who is going to cross my path and he's going to be perfect.

OK, not perfect. Perfect in his imperfection. At least, I will be willing to put up with-and possibly love-the imperfections. Those are song lyrics, right? Something along the lines of "perfect in her imperfection." Too lazy to look up.

I want to be in a relationship, but I want to be in the right relationship more than I don't want to be alone. Does that make any sense? And the reason, I'm not in the "right relationship"? Because I haven't encountered it yet, not because something is wrong with me.

I shall now dismount my soapbox.

I may be broken, but I am infinitely valuable in the eyes of God. [So are you.]


UPDATE: I realize some of you may read this and think, "Oh, sad. Amy needs a hug." I like hugs, but I read this and think, "I AM SO MUCH AWESOMER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS!!" I use words like "awesomer" in my head when I talk about myself.


  1. Ms. Amy. I love you the way you are. Single. (and if at some time, you happen to date somebody and go further, then I'll love you then, too.) I know how frustrating it can be when it seems everyone around you has a cuddle buddy. It's nice, but it's not the whole world.

    You are perfect in your imperfections.

    And you are right.

    You are not Broken.

    You are Whole.

  2. John McLaughlin - perfect only in her imperfections.

    Thank you for this post, Amy. It's been a rough couple of days. I needed exactly what you said....so thank you. :) Love you!

  3. @Emily
    Yes! Oh, Jon M...you make my heart go pitter patter. *sigh*

    More importantly, thank you, Em, for "getting" me so well! xo